counseling term of the day: emotional containment

I am learning about a counseling approach called "interpersonal process." It is really good stuff. It's not something that will work with every client, i.e., those with developmental issues, or serious personality disorders, but for the average client dealing with emotional issues it seems to be pretty effective. Interpersonal process is based large in part on emotional attachment theory.

One of the many roles parents have is to be an emotional "container" for their kids. That means when a kid is in distress and calls out to the parent, the parent is responsive and helps the child work through the distress. This teaches the child that the parent is a "safe haven" for their feelings and that typically, within this relationship the child will learn to regulate their emotions. Parents who are consistently attuned to their child's emotional need, help them build a sense of security and safety. It's said that the parent & child are in a "synchronous" dance. Strong relationships can withstand the occasional moment of "mis-attunement" when parent and child are not on the same page. This also teaches the child how to manage his/her emotions.

This "safe haven" relationship between parent & child has a two fold purpose: "affect regulation" - as mentioned above; and a "secure base" from which to venture out and explore. When the child feels secure about him/herself and the world around him/her, he feels a sense of security by which he can interact with others. Because the child has a secure bond with the care-giver/parent, they can enjoy a greater sense of independence as well.

The flip side of this is when kids/grown ups have consistent, unmet emotional needs, they will start to develop a coping strategy to avoid the stress/anxiety of the unmet need. For example, a child cannot contain painful emotions by themselves, such as fear. The child will find a way to avoid or deny the painful feeling. When a care-giver is consistently emotionally unavailable, the child internalizes his/her anxiety, and comes to expect that it is unsafe to be vulnerable, distressed or in need. These unmet feelings remind the child they are "alone" to deal with the issue, so they are avoided or denied. Sadly, in an effort to create a sense of normalcy, just and fairness, the child often turns on themselves - seeing themself as the problem instead of the absent care-giver, not being able to see the care-giver as not there for them. That reality is too hard to bear. These kids often find themselves in therapy later in life.

My intention is not to make this a heavy post, but more to educate. No parent is perfect, and life circumstance often bring unanticipated stress and trauma upon families. What is important is making a consistent effort to be in touch with our kids, to look them directly in the eye and to say, "I love you" and "I am proud of you." By so doing, parents validate their kids' independent personhood, and solidify their own standing as a "safe harbor."